When I reflect back on the mother I was at the start of this journey, I'm hit with so many 'what ifs' and wishes. What if I'd have consciously conceived Nova, after a full pre-conception detox? What if my diet was better and my skincare was 'cleaner'? What if I'd have been brave enough to have given birth to Arlo at home like I'd wanted too? Breastfed for longer? Bed-shared?
But actually, it's pointless. No matter how much I reflect, our experiences won't be changed. I can't undo the lows of mothering with PTSD, or take back the times I've been overwhelmed and shouted. Nor change any of the decisions I made when the boys were younger. It all shaped the mother I am today.
If it wasn't for the difficulty I experienced postpartum with Arlo, I wouldn't be so passionate about postnatal care. If Nova didn't have a cleft lip, I wouldn't be so passionate about toxin free living, abundant support for families, and the ability to heal your mind and soul from trauma without pharmaceuticals.
I wouldn't have evolved into the mother I am today. The mother who free birthed her baby on the bathroom floor on Christmas Day. That's bed-sharing and breastfeeding with no plans to stop. That holds space and responds calmly to big feelings and meltdowns (most of the time). That home educates because it suits her children the best. I love the mother I am today.
Motherhood changes you. The second you give birth to your first baby. And then every day for the rest of your life.